Mindful Mama Bird: oh Mother

Part of the bedtime routine with Sylvi, is to spend some time in the big plush chair in her room and sing songs. She often requests the same "Owl Song" over and over...for about a year actually. The other night I decided to sing Amazing Grace. Sometimes I get emotional when I sing, almost spiritual, especially when I know it's a new song for her and she's looking up at me with wide eyes.

No surprise I learned this song from church. When my parents divorced, I moved with my mom to be to South Florida to be closer to my grandparents. We joined a Bilingual Charasmatic Catholic Church. I'm not joking. There was singing in the aisles, an amazing church band and during communion, with the lights turned off, we gathered on the plush carpet surrounding the altar, and sang by the sun streaming in through the stained glass. This church and my mother have been THE most influential experience in me becoming a musician. What I didn't realize until I was singing to Sylvi yesterday, is that mother also played a huge roll in my becoming the spiritual (not religious) person I am today. She died of lung cancer quite quickly, just 3 months shy of my 16th birthday in 1990. She was 42. (my age now-gulp.) Over the years, especially since I gave birth, I've had so many questions for her. When she died, I was smack dab in the middle of the awkward/I'm embarrassed of my mother/phase. It was only 6 months from diagnosis until she passed so I didn't have a lot of time to process what was happening, plus I was way too busy to be bothered. Apparently, the life of a 15 year old is too cool to stop and spend time with your dying mother...

So, almost daily I wonder about things like: if she would've ever been able to have more love for her body as she grew older, what it was like to give birth to me and my brothers and becoming a mother, her struggles as a new mother, how did she cope with being so different philosophically in raising her children from her sisters...and the list goes on.

As we grow old with our own parents, more things can be uncovered as our views change and our conversations (hopefully) deepen. This hasn't really been that different for me, except that I can't have conversations with her in person. But as I age, my appreciation for her grows. I realize more things about what she may have gone through as a single Mother starting over in her thirties.

As I held Sylvi in my arms last night and held her tight as I sang with a voice I was blessed with from my mother, I felt a surge and the beauty of being a spiritual being and it dawned on me: my mother modeled this for me through all of her work for the church and watching her become immersed in spirituality herself. While I may no longer be a practicing Catholic, I am not shy to say I am spiritual and believe in connecting with a higher realm. I also felt in that moment, that Sylvi was a blessing from my Mother. It was nice to imagine that my Mother picked her out and brought her into my life so I could have the chance to care for someone in a way that I have dreamed of being mothered and as I have craved to be mothered as a mother, with a soft gentle nurturing touch.

So here I am...approaching my third Mother's day as a Mother and my twenty sixth as a Motherless Daughter. Still sad my Mother (and my husband's Mother) aren't here. But feeling incredibly blessed to be a mother to such a beautiful child.

May you use this time to honor all the powerful Mother figures in your life, and become at peace with the other Mother relationships you wish you could be different.

xoxoxo